Do Not Be Afraid to Be Afraid

Too often I try and convince myself that I am not afraid.  Why?  Well, because I am 35 and should be old enough to have figured things out, because I am a Christian, and Christians should trust and not worry.  So the convincing goes on... "I am not afraid"...I tell myself.  And all the while I long to hear God's reassuring voice in agreement, "That's right, you're not afraid" God would say, but that voice of agreement never comes.

Silence.

My voice amplifies, "God, where are you?!?!  I'm telling you I'm not afraid, now show yourself!"

Silence still.

"Some god this is..."  I think to myself; all the while living the not-afraid-life.

I've come to recognize that my statements of "I am not afraid" are really a smoke screen trying to divert my attention from my real fears.  My fears of failure, my fears of not being liked, me fears of not finding my vocational groove, my fears that I will fail my family.  So I continue with my brave I'm-not-afraid-self.  And the truth?....

I am terrified.

I am afraid.

There is freedom in being able to say "I am afraid."  If I boldly and brashly exclaim that I have no fear then what need is there for God to respond?  Even if He did, what would I expect him to say?  "Great job, you're not afraid, way to go, you're fantastic".  There is no reason for God to speak when I've told Him I know what I'm doing and I know where to go.  God does not intrude with the contrary or try and convince otherwise.

God's silence comes because I've offered Him no room to step into the truth of my fear.  But when I can openly express before the throne of grace that "I am afraid" God reaches back.

God appears.  "Take courage" He says.  "For I am with you."

My inability to speak my fear keeps God silent.  Speaking my fear opens the floodgates of God's ever present voice.

Do not be afraid to be afraid.