To What End? (Love Is An Orientation pt. 4)

Part of re-framing the relationship between the Evangelical community and the Gay/Lesbian community requires a dismantling of the following question:

What goal are we (the Evangelical community) trying to accomplish with them (the Gay/Lesbian community)?

This question generates all sorts of answers from: "Helping them see their sin so they can remain celibate" to "Seeing them healed of their same-sex attraction so they can enter into a heterosexual relationship".

This question is poorly framed for the following reasons:

1. Instead of looking for common ground it further divides people into categories of "us" vs. "them" .

2. The question assumes that it is "our" job to "fix" another human being and in doing so we presuppose our relationship over and against the work of God in the life of another individual.

3. It creates a hierarchy of relationship; making a mutually benefiting relationship extremely difficult.

Conversation with those in the Gay/Lesbian community needs to happen in a manner free from agenda. When we approach people with an agenda we error in trying to conform them into our image. Agenda is one-sided. Agenda is different than intentionality. Intentionality suggests a deliberate, "careful" approach; one which allows people to share with a patient, gracious, intentional love. In doing so space is created for God to transform each one of us in his image. We need to be intentional.

In speaking of God's transforming work in our lives, I am not suggesting we are working toward some type of "de-gay-i-fi-cation" (see the movie Saved for reference) for our gay brothers and sisters. Instead we are elevating the conversation from a focus of sexuality to focus on identity and intimacy.

"What then is the goal?" That all of us would grow in an intimate relationship with the God who loves us so deeply that he expressed through his son Jesus; that as we grow more intimate with the Creator we would pursue his kingdom, continually (never claiming to have arrived), casting off all other things that promise intimacy, identity, and self-worth.

May we focus on loving God and loving people, and trust God to work in God's way and in God's time.

Smear the Queer (Love Is An Orientation pt. 3)

As a kid I remember playing in the park behind my elementary school. We played games like soccer, tag, kick-ball, and smear the queer. For those of you who never played this game from my childhood, it goes like this:

1. Get a group of friends together, an open grassy field, and a ball of some sort (preferably a football).

2. Spread out; One person is designated "the Queer" and begins with the ball in their hand.

3. "GO!" gang up on, surround, tackle, and smear the queer with the ball.

4. Once piled upon (and adequately smeared), the queer throws the ball up in the air for some other unfortunate sole to be afflicted with the burden of carrying the ball until they too are adequately smeared.

5. Repeat until too bruised and bloody to continue, or until mom calls you home for dinner.

No wonder it is so difficult for those in the gay and lesbian community to share their life in the open. We have constructed a culture (even through childhood games) that makes discussing your sexuality (and asking questions concerning it) frightening if it appears to be outside the"norm". Guys in the locker room joke around and call each other "gay" (not referring to the Old English definition), or refer to one another as "fag". In high school I perfected my flamboyant "gay hairdresser" voice, making a lot of people laugh (especially the kids in my church youth group). I wonder how many people heard those jokes (some maybe even participated in them in an effort to "hide") and as a result told themselves that there are somethings we shouldn't ask because it's not safe and came to the realization that their questions and feelings have to be sorted out in secret.

I am saddened by the depth of loneliness and isolation (and the anguish that follows) one feels when they have no place to go, and so they have to remain "in the closet". This is perhaps where I see the greatest sin take place. It is the sin that found itself in the garden when God spoke and said: "It is not good that man is alone." To that sin, I am culpable; I have participated in the creation of another human being's loneliness. The holy community of God's people (the Church) should be the very place where no one walks alone. A community that is a refuge and haven for people to ask questions (on any level) with respect, dignity, and care.

If we are going to be seen as people who can be trusted with deep questions of identity and sexuality then we need to take a serious look at the messages we are sending in the "games" we play and the "jokes" we tell.

Some may say, "this is just falling into a gay agenda" or that "it's too PC". I disagree. I want those in my life (from my children to those who over hear me talking with a buddy) to know that with me they can be honest. Honest in their questions, honest in their desires, and honest in their fears. But most of all, I want others to be free to be honest. Free of fear, free of hatred, free from judgement, and free to discover God's love.

The Questions We Ask (Love Is An Orientation pt. 2)

When children ask questions it is usually because they are curious about something they do not understand. "Dad, why is the sky blue?" Their questions are steeped in humility as they ask with a teachable spirit. As we grow older asking questions can be identified as a sign of weakness (if you truly were smart, then "you'd have the answer"). Sadly this means the questions we often ask as grown ups are done less out of a desire to learn and more out of a desire to identify and label.

We ask questions to find out who's on our side and who's not; to find out what's permissible and what's not. We use our "questions" as divisive tools to alienate and isolate (and sometimes demonize) others that think differently than we do.

Andrew Marin brings to light these "close-ended" questions that are prevalent in the current conversation between the Evangelical and Gay/Lesbian community. Questions like: "Do you think that gays and lesbians are born that way?" "Do you think homosexuality is a sin?" "Do you think someone can be gay and be a Christian?" "Are gay people going to hell?". These "yes/no" questions are dangerous traps. Dangerous because once "answered" judgements (based on presuppositions) are made, and whatever could have developed into a life-giving relationship often crumbles apart and people are cast off to their respective sides.

Jesus was faced with these kind of close-ended questions all throughout his ministry-healing on the Sabbath; on paying taxes to Caesar; on divorce (over 25 passages in the Gospels). Yet Jesus never takes the bait; He replies in a different manner.

In a recent conversation with Scot McKnight he referred to this type of response as "the third way". It is in a "third way" response that one moves the question from the peripheral to the heart of the matter. It is in the "third way" response that one human being is able to relate to another human being and address issues of isolation, rejection, and self-worth. It is a "third way" response that fosters relationship between people and between God.

This conversation and the questions between the Evangelical and Gay/Lesbian community will continue, but let us do our best (regardless of where we are "on the issue") to ask our questions like children; teachable and hopeful. Let us also work to give answers that reflect the "third way" of Jesus in an effort for true community and solidarity to abound.

Love Is An Orientation pt. 1

I just began reading a new book yesterday by Andrew Marin called: "Love Is An Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community". My heart is burdened for those who find themselves on the "outside" of God's holy community...and in this culture there may be no other greater "outsider" than those in the gay and lesbian community.

I've come to realize that most of this conversation (actually "argument" may be a more fitting term) is based out of fear. Evangelicals are afraid of "condoning sin" and those in the gay and lesbian community are afraid of getting "hurt". Out of this fear we've heard people speak about what "the Bible plainly says..." and in turn dismiss the very real pain, loneliness, rejection, and hurt that those in the gay and lesbian community feel. We've then heard those respond in defensive posture, afraid that they will continue to be viewed as citizens with a "less than" status.

If we are to have any kind of life-giving conversation that leads towards redemption and transformation for all of us, then we must be willing to set aside our fear, acknowledging that we are not God and that God does not need us to "fight" on God's behalf. Even more, we must be compelled by love. A love that is slow to speak, quick to listen. A love that is patient and gentle. A love that is kind and gracious. A love that refuses to "fight against" but instead chooses to "walk with". This kind of love is the genesis for hopeful dialogue and relationship with those who are different than us, but are children of God all the same.