Do Not Be Afraid to Be Afraid

Too often I try and convince myself that I am not afraid.  Why?  Well, because I am 35 and should be old enough to have figured things out, because I am a Christian, and Christians should trust and not worry.  So the convincing goes on... "I am not afraid"...I tell myself.  And all the while I long to hear God's reassuring voice in agreement, "That's right, you're not afraid" God would say, but that voice of agreement never comes.

Silence.

My voice amplifies, "God, where are you?!?!  I'm telling you I'm not afraid, now show yourself!"

Silence still.

"Some god this is..."  I think to myself; all the while living the not-afraid-life.

I've come to recognize that my statements of "I am not afraid" are really a smoke screen trying to divert my attention from my real fears.  My fears of failure, my fears of not being liked, me fears of not finding my vocational groove, my fears that I will fail my family.  So I continue with my brave I'm-not-afraid-self.  And the truth?....

I am terrified.

I am afraid.

There is freedom in being able to say "I am afraid."  If I boldly and brashly exclaim that I have no fear then what need is there for God to respond?  Even if He did, what would I expect him to say?  "Great job, you're not afraid, way to go, you're fantastic".  There is no reason for God to speak when I've told Him I know what I'm doing and I know where to go.  God does not intrude with the contrary or try and convince otherwise.

God's silence comes because I've offered Him no room to step into the truth of my fear.  But when I can openly express before the throne of grace that "I am afraid" God reaches back.

God appears.  "Take courage" He says.  "For I am with you."

My inability to speak my fear keeps God silent.  Speaking my fear opens the floodgates of God's ever present voice.

Do not be afraid to be afraid.

What If I Had...?

Reflecting on our past is necessary but dangerous territory.  At its best it can point to those elements that make up our true self and at its worse it can push us in an escalating spiral downward.

The "What if I had...?"

A villain and thief in the worst way.  You could also attach the "I should have..." and "Why didn't I?"  These phrases paralyze us in our past and promote fear for our future.  These are difficult adversaries.  They bring along with them a never-ending lament and a self-wallowing despair.  This kind of reflection is hell-bent on devouring you.

And it will.

Recognizing this, many of us, in an act of self preservation, will avoid reflecting on the past and work at convincing ourselves that "tomorrow will be better" and that "life is what you make it".  Yet this is the false self uttering its clever voice once again.  Do not trade your past reflection for some future, propped up on serendipitous thinking.  Instead, shift your question.

"God, where are you...?"

This shift takes the pressure off of us to solve and gives God the space to surface.  It allows us to find grace in our inconsistent past and provides us with the generosity needed to be benevolent to our imperfect selves.  We shift from focusing on operation to  God's occupation and become introduced to the God who lives in past, present and future.

Yet this question is not without its difficulty.  What if in uttering this question you hear nothing?  What if God's silence is the only thing that occupies past experience?  What if...

Let go of the "What if..."  Ask God to show you where he is and where he has been at work.  The voice may be small at first but as you learn its distinct sound trust and follow; the voice will grow.  When life cloaks you with enough darkness to shroud the face of God keep asking, "Where Lord, are you?" 

This is a grown-up question.  A question of maturity and faith.  It requires the audacity to demand that God reveal himself and the tenacity to pester until he does.

As you journey through this day, in reflection of the past and in anticipation for the future, call to God and may you be open to hear him utter, "I am here".

Shoes In The Back Hall

We have a back hall in our home.  A space between our family room and our garage.  We use this space more than we do our front door.  Each day we travel "to" and "from" using this space.  It is a transient space.  A space created to usher from one place to the next.  This space is also small; so narrow that if the backdoor and closet door are both open one cannot pass through.

This transient space often becomes a bottleneck for us.  Coming home with arms full of groceries: crowded space.  3 school kids trying to get out the door with backpacks, instruments, and lunches in tow: crowded space. 

Yesterday when I came home (through the usual, narrow, crowded passage-way) I was held up by my kids' shoes scattered and clogging up the hallway (I had difficulty getting the door all the way open because of their shoes).  My initial reaction was to holler (out of frustration) at the kids to come clean up their shoes and "put them away properly" (like I've told them so many times before!).  Yet I held on for a moment.  No hollering came.  Instead I was graced by something else: vision to see what I usually miss.

In that moment I heard God remind me, "There will be a day, not too far off, when you will long to trip over your kids' shoes."

In that moment I found myself pausing.  Stopping and really seeing what is.

That was the "long, loving look" that Walter Burghardt talks about.  The privilege to see scattered shoes as more than a nuisance, inconvenience, and obstacle to my final arrival home.  I was reminded of the joy my kids bring me, reminded of all the places their shoes take them, and reminded of how small their feet were when they were born.

I was reminded that cumbersome spaces of transition are often a gift.

May you be given the capacity to look deeply into the cluttered, disorganized, confining, transition of life; that you might be overwhelmed with the truth that even there, you are home.

The Destructive Self

We have all been designed to create in this life.  To fashion ideas into realities, to explore new thoughts, and to live lives that outwardly express the true inner self.

We marvel at those who who bring their art to life.  Musicians, Painters, and Poets.  We long to express ourselves in such a beautiful and constructive manner.

Because we don't know how to express ourselves (perhaps we really do know how, but choose not to for fear of what it will cost us) we live inwardly conflicted lives.  We secretly wrestle, quietly scream, and inwardly go to war.  We can't make sense of the tension and cannot express ourselves in the manner of the true Artist and so what comes from our hands is nothing short of destruction.

It may come through throwing the tools when you can't get the swing-set constructed just right or the tearing up of the canvas when the picture wasn't getting flushed out the way you envisioned.  It may come through hateful words when you and another fail to see each other fully, or worse, it may come into being when you strike another because they have unknowingly reflected to much of your worse self.

We destroy when the frustration of "what we wish to be is not what is" breaks past our capacity to hold it safely.

We destroy because the old container clearly does not work anymore and birthing the new is too labor-some.

These expressed fits of aggravation reveal something to us:

Our petulance for destruction is bound in our longing to create.

Please do not be startled anymore by the self that wants to scream, throw, and smash (do not bury it away, pretending that only the pietist within you exists).  Yet do not indulge it because of its ease; the unleashed destruction will only become amplified.  Instead, listen to it.  Invite it to sit and be still.  Let it, without fear, become a teacher for you; usher it to the light.

For it is an indicator that there is creative work yet to be done.

It Would Do You Well To Be Bored

We place a high value on having something to do, staying busy, and being entertained.  As a result we fill our time with activities, scroll through Facebook updates to "see what's going on", and play mindless games on our iPads.  We are constantly filling our minds in the name of productivity but really we have fallen for  one of the greatest myths of the 21st Century.

Boredom should be avoided.

As a parent I hear the "boredom complaint" from my kids and I am quick to offer resolutions.  However I'm not sure this is the best remedy.  When quick solutions to boredom are offered no real thinking has to be done.  When 2 friends, a ball, and boredom are involved the sky is the limit on the kind of games that can be created.  Boredom isn't something to be fixed or avoided it is the space that can begin to incubate the next fresh idea.

If we allow it, boredom can become an ally in our pursuit of creativity and fresh thinking.

Boredom, once thought to be the no-man's-land where ideas go to die, might really be the lab where things are tinkered with and new combinations are discovered.

Letting Go of the Charade

You can't keep going like this.

Sooner or later something will have to give.

Go on, try and keep ignoring the voice deep within you.  It won't work; you can't keep this up.

Don't be too hard on yourself.  You've given the "supposed-to" life your best effort; you tried living it in front of others and in some ways began to believe it yourself. 

The charade is over and you know it.  There's only one thing left to do.

Let it go.

But don't worry, it was never your life anyway.

Good News of Great Joy

By the tender mercy of our God
the dawn from on high has broken upon us.

God has given light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace.

Behold I bring you good news of great joy: for to you is born in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.

Authority rests upon his shoulder, and he is named:

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.


(Luke 1:78-79; 2:10-11; Isaiah 9:6)